Ep 141. Identify your desires and tap into your greatest resource with Guest Jamie Lerner
Sara Mayer: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Bold Goal Crusher Podcast. For anyone looking to stop letting life get in the way and start crushing bold goals. I'm your host, Sara Mayer, and I'm thrilled to navigate this journey with you because it's time to start boldly achieving without working double time. So let's dive in.
Hello, bold goal crushers. I am super excited about my guests today. Jamie, thank you so much for being on the show.
Jamie Lerner: Thank you for inviting me.
Sara Mayer: Awesome. Without further ado, let me introduce you to Jamie. She's the coauthor of the book. The ever loving essence of you can put a fresh spin on just about.
Anything that anyone throws her way, her unique and masterful ability to reframe even the most difficult situations is truly [00:01:00] astounding. Suddenly your biggest nightmare becomes your greatest pleasure as she lovingly helps you sift through the contract. Contrast and find that small opening of light that quickly becomes your greatest jumping off point for clarity.
And I think we all need that in our life. Unassuming, reassuring, and seemingly without any sense of ego, Jamie can put everyone and everything at ease. She's an asset to any corporate setting. She's. Easily able to untangle the issues at hand and move right along into helping facilitate a solution based platform for creative, productive, good feeling, collaboration, and change.
Jamie can most often be seen working with adults, teens, children, and couples, as well as small groups. She never positions herself as the expert of anything and is always reminding you that It is [00:02:00] you who knows best for yourself. Always Jamie. I'm so excited to jump into this conversation.
So I love your bio and I just love the fact that you like to tackle the mess. I think so many times people avoid the mess. So tell me, how did this become your jam? And I just love to hear all about it.
Jamie Lerner: I started off as a psychotherapist and worked with people for a long time in a private practice all along, knowing that there was something else.
Because I did not think that we were really assisting people in assisting themselves when we continue to ask them to look backwards. So I studied, I traveled, I gave up my practice, and now I'm doing something very different. So it is really about [00:03:00] helping people help themselves in a very lovingly curious Thank you.
Way. And yeah, I really think that we are not used to hearing that we know best for ourselves.
Yeah. That's my passion is assisting people in assisting themselves, assisting people in taking personal responsibility and getting from where they are in this moment to where they'd like to be.
Sara Mayer: Yeah. I love what you said about, traditional. I guess it's therapy, counseling, anything like that.
So many people don't realize that their past is not their destiny. And so I love that you focus on forward thinking and future thinking and that our past truly hasn't defined us.
Jamie Lerner: And in many ways, our past has been, it has [00:04:00] been a blessing. So how can we look back? From our adult here and now perspective, because when we do that, it looks really different.
And I think that's where we can really find the power of what was then and where we are today as a result.
Sara Mayer: Yeah. And you took some bold action in your journey. You said that you. Abandoned your whole practice and started something new. How did you get the courage to do that?
Jamie Lerner: I think our inner being is tapping us on the shoulder all day long and we are too busy or we don't want to listen and I'm brushing
Sara Mayer: them off, brushing,
Jamie Lerner: go away.
Exactly. And I think I knew there was never going to be a good time to do this, but it just did not feel right. doing what I was doing day in and day out because I did not think I was really [00:05:00] assisting people. Yeah, I think when we listen to our inner knowing, then we are guided to our best selves.
Sara Mayer: Wow. So you work with different groups of people, adults, teens, children, and couples to work through, their mess or what's going on in their life. How do you help them to
Jamie Lerner: get through that? I don't think it's a mess. I think that I think that it's just. A lot of lovely contrast and I love that term.
Yeah, because when we can start to soften the language and even the tone around everything that's going on, it's much easier to embrace it with curiosity and with optimism. So it's a process that does not have to be arduous and depressing and difficult. It can be really fun and uplifting [00:06:00] and very helpful.
Sara Mayer: So one of the things you mentioned is that you're able to untangle all the issues. How does that process
Jamie Lerner: work? I think when we understand that we can step back from some of the emotional components, of what has occurred. Once again, looking at what was from our right here and now adult perspective is very helpful.
Yeah. Then we are able to be more emotionally intelligent and understand it for not what it was, but what it is right now. Because a lot of what was has nothing to do with what is, but we've dragged it into the now unnecessarily. Yeah. And a lot of people need permission to do something different other than to continue the mantra, [00:07:00] the story, the, whatever all that was, no matter where it even came from.
So it's nice when people have an opportunity to take a deep breath and say, okay, where I am, where am I now? And what do I want for myself? Which is a very good question. And sometimes
Sara Mayer: That's easier said than done to know the answers to that.
Jamie Lerner: And sometimes the answer changes a moment by moment, but what's so fun is that when you can lovingly and curiously explore moment to moment, what you want for yourself, not what others want for you or not what you want for others, but what you want for yourself, it really becomes just like a wonderful opportunity.
Sara Mayer: Yeah. And I love that you talked about not what others want. I think so many of the people that I work with listeners clients, et cetera, [00:08:00] they've decided to make this. Bold action, quit their job and start a business or pursue one of their big goals. And there are a lot of people out there, the days I don't know who they are, but that tell them you should do this or, Ooh, that's not a good idea.
So how do you help people work through
Jamie Lerner: that? I think that it's important to, once again identify some of your own desires. And not share any of that with anyone. Because you're right. People tend to talk you out of what you want for yourself because they think they know better. And the interesting thing is the people that know or think that they know what you should be doing are not the people that know what they themselves should be
Sara Mayer: doing.
I love that. That's so true.
Jamie Lerner: It's much easier for them to project. What they think you should be doing than to be focusing on themselves. [00:09:00] So it becomes a very personal process that I don't encourage people to share with anyone. I
Sara Mayer: also think when you talk about not sharing, I think sometimes it takes courage.
I know it takes courage to step out when you're not really sure yourself, if this if you should be doing this, whatever it is, and you're trying to gain acceptance and validation. And then when you do step out. And somebody is like, Oh, you shouldn't do that. My uncle had a business that failed in 1910 and he's never recovered.
And so then it's Oh, I had a little bit, I got the courage to share it. And then it immediately, that fire was. put out. I think it's a confidence buster too.
Jamie Lerner: When you do know for yourself, even though you don't know why or how, for yourself, I think it becomes so clear and feels so right for [00:10:00] you.
That you are not affected by what other people are saying to you or about you because you're in complete alignment with what you've chosen for yourself about yourself. And it's no longer about others. And that becomes really like just a lovely place to be.
Sara Mayer: Yeah. Yeah. So how do you get, how do you help clients or people that you work with get that clarity?
So they truly know what they're working on is.
Jamie Lerner: I think that when we can create a connection with ourselves, which means get comfortable in our own skin, which means begin to sit quietly with ourselves and listen for that mind chatter and really begin to hear how terribly we speak to ourselves most of the time.
Yeah. And then throw ourselves on the floor. floor [00:11:00] laughing because 99% of it is not true and it's completely ridiculous. So what are we saying to ourselves about ourselves? unconsciously. And I think when we have an opportunity to do that, if we don't take it too seriously, because we can't, I think it's really helpful that to make a decision to fact check that to soften the tone and the language around some of the things that maybe you have heard people say about you or to you, and to really understand that your own voice.
This is such an important part of how you feel about yourself. Yeah. Often not even other people, but we are feeding ourselves unconsciously and sometimes consciously a lot of unnecessary negativity. Which doesn't feel good [00:12:00] and it's not true.
Sara Mayer: Yeah. The person you spend the most time with is yourself.
And that person in your head truly does influence everything you do every day. And I just, sometimes I wonder somebody said to me can't you just turn it off? And in reality, it's there to help guide you and do all these things, but it's really hard to change your mindset to be more positive.
So how do you help people do that? So
Jamie Lerner: you don't need to be more positive, but you can tone it down. You can soften the language or the story that you're telling yourself and others all day long. And I think that. That goes a long way to be a little gentler with yourself to be a little kinder with yourself.
And it's really interesting because when you find yourself being judgmental of others, That is a very clear indication that you are judging yourself. [00:13:00] So that is helpful, because then you can laugh a little bit, you can say, Oh my goodness, here I go again. And then you can ask yourself, how can I reconnect myself to myself, because clearly when we're in judgment, we're not connected, we're disconnected from ourselves.
And that's a nice way to remind ourselves. Yeah. By our eye and as we look out at others, is it a kind eye, a gentle eye, or is it a critical judgmental? Yeah.
Sara Mayer: Now, how do you, like some people will say I'm very critical. I'm very skeptical. That's just who I am. Or maybe this is my job.
Jamie Lerner: And then I would say, and how does that feel?
Yeah, that's interesting. That's a choice because if that feels good to you, then okay, you're doing great. But if that doesn't feel good to you, then how [00:14:00] can we soften all that so that you can feel good? Yeah. And create a loving relationship with yourself first and foremost, and then others. Yeah.
Sara Mayer: And I really like the authentic piece that you're talking about because for some people they're owning that and that's who they truly are.
And other people, maybe they got that from their parents, they've had a job that's very much that way. They've been in a toxic culture and they've evolved to
Jamie Lerner: that. So I think that I think being is our birthright. I think that our inner being inner knowing is constantly trying to get our attention.
I think that where we have come from, if we choose conscious choice to take that on as our identity, then we are not no longer a victim to it, we have to make the decision that we are choosing. Thank you. to move forward [00:15:00] and to continue whatever the pattern was. Yeah, that is familiar to us. And I applaud people for that.
I say that's great. You're taking personal responsibility, you're stepping into your personal power. You're not a victim. And that's great. Yeah, as long as you're okay with not feeling good. 24 seven, that's okay, too. Yeah, it's not for everybody. Yeah, I'm not going to take it away from you. Yeah, that's working for you.
Sara Mayer: Yeah. And, somebody said not deciding said to me, not deciding is a decision.
Jamie Lerner: Yes, it is. It's absolutely a decision. I do not think that there are any victims. I think we have choices and every moment we can choose to make a choice for a different choice or no choice. That's a choice too.
Sara Mayer: Yeah. So sometimes it's hard to make a decision. And there's lots of different things that. Have to happen. [00:16:00] And especially when our listeners are chasing the really big goals there if they are chasing their big goals, sometimes there's this gap of where they are now and where they need to be. And there's a lot of things that have to decide and do.
So how do you help people? Get to the point where they will make a decision.
Jamie Lerner: It's always which feels better in any given moment. Does it feel better to think about this or not to think about it? If it feels better not to think about it, then don't. And ask yourself a few minutes later, which feels better?
Does it feel better to think about this? It does. Are you ready to make a decision about it? No. So I think it's that's, it's that simple. Can you begin to attach your thoughts to feelings? And navigate that way.
Sara Mayer: I love that comment. Can you attach your thoughts to feelings? [00:17:00]
Jamie Lerner: I think
Sara Mayer: sometimes we. Just try and separate those when I'm thinking about this, I'm going to take the feelings out of it. I'm going to be factual about my
Jamie Lerner: decision. That's logistics. Logistics are great. And if you are in that place that you can be emotionally intelligent about making a decision, I think that's great.
Yeah. It's very clear.
Sara Mayer: Yeah. But I also, there's some value in exploring the feelings when I make this decision, how am I going to feel when I do make it in the process of making it, it doesn't always have to be so black and white either.
Jamie Lerner: Alignment is thoughts and feelings lined up as one. So you If we are in alignment with our task at hand, it's usually very successful and when we're not, then I [00:18:00] really welcome, applaud and embrace procrastination because I love procrastination.
Yeah, procrastination is an opportunity for us to pause. And take some time for us to get our thoughts and feelings in alignment. And then we can take what I like to call inspired action always turns out brilliantly. Yeah.
Sara Mayer: And what's interesting is sometimes we procrastinate and we don't know why.
And I've had clients say, I'm I'm such a procrastinator and dah. Transcribed And they're beating themselves up over being a procrastinator, but what you just said is so refreshing because there's a reason that they're procrastinating on X, Y, Z task or having a difficult conversation or whatever.
And I love that you [00:19:00] talked about aligning those. Thoughts and feelings together to take inspired action because they may be working on something that truly wasn't meant for them to be
Jamie Lerner: doing. This is true. And then there are some people that's. What they do, they procrastinate and they know at the 11th hour they can be brilliant.
Yeah. But that's their system. Yeah. So if you've always done it that way , it's not procrastination anymore, it's just your way. Yeah. And that's fine because you've been successful doing it. So once again, it's really getting to know ourselves so well. Yeah. That we're not looking to others. For their opinion or for their commentary or for anything, because we are so clear that we know ourselves, that we trust ourselves and that we love ourselves.
Sara Mayer: It's funny. I used [00:20:00] to have a boss that said to me, be careful when you set a deadline. I was like, okay, tell me more. And he's there's three types of people in the world. There's people who, as soon as they get it, we'll do it. People who will do it right before the deadline and people who will do it right after the deadline.
And he's so be careful when you set a deadline. That you don't have a different expectation of what that deadline means because not, because I'm the type of person who does it like close to the deadline. He's not everybody's like you. Some people are going to send it in two minutes and some people are going to wait till the deadline and then start working on it.
Jamie Lerner: Yes. But when you know yourself, that's the most important thing. Then you can make a decision based on. what you know, and love about yourself. Yeah, right about somebody else. Yeah, there is nothing outside of ourselves. And yet, we are constantly searching and seeking outside of ourselves for [00:21:00] validation for information.
It's all from within. Yeah, it's all there.
Sara Mayer: Yeah.
Jamie Lerner: I love that. So you are your greatest resource. That's it.
Sara Mayer: Yeah. So how do you help people get to the point where they are able to truly tap into their greatest resource?
Jamie Lerner: I think it doesn't take a long time. Once you redirect people back to themselves, then they start to get really comfortable.
It's like coming home. Like when I ask people, trust yourself, know yourself. Those are in many ways very foreign requests, because we're constantly being told that we should be afraid, we don't know what we want, we don't know how we feel, that there's some authority out there, [00:22:00] expert, that's helpful.
That can tell us what we need. So this is very refreshing for people in many ways. It's giving them permission to look within.
Sara Mayer: I love it. It's really that permission to look within changes everything. Yes, it does. Yeah. So I know that you work with lots of different groups of people. If somebody wants to do some more work on this or work with you, how could they find you?
And then what could they maybe expect?
Jamie Lerner: So I have a website. It's www dot J M I E dash L E R N E R. com. And every single thing about working with me is on that website, including I have a service called the quickie. A lovely texting option, which I love. But the beauty of the website is that for anybody to work with me, they get in touch with me and they tell me what they need.
I don't tell, [00:23:00] I don't tell them. So they choose how much time they need per session, or it's never me that will know what someone else needs. Yeah. Ooh. I
Sara Mayer: love that. And we'll link the website in the show notes for everybody listening. You can find that website and everything. I just loved this conversation and I love the term inspired action.
I think that is a quest that everybody really should do the work to get to the point where they are taking that inspired action because everything changes.
Jamie Lerner: And it feels so good.
Sara Mayer: Thank you, Jamie, for being on the show today. I hope everyone reaches out to her. So to you so that you guys can truly work together and get into your authentic self.
Thank you so much. Thank you. All right, everyone have a great week and remember you can crush your [00:24:00] goals and everything that gets in the way without working double time. So let's get to it.
Thank you for tuning into the bold goal crusher podcast where we crush goals and everything that gets in the way.
I look forward to seeing you crush your goals this year.